Today’s therapy session was a heavy one and one that I definitely needed. The topic was brought up today (of my own accord) that I have been feeling very “out of touch” with the people around me. Even when I’m surrounded by those I think I have so much in common with I have a hard time with the thoughts of, “they won’t understand me,” or, “I have so much I want to say,” or, “How can I help them relate to me so we can have this amazing existential conversation and really get to know each other?” Lately, I’m haunted by these type of thoughts.
Not that this is new, by any stretch of the imagination. I have never really felt like I “fit in” with any group or crowd. I have never had that feeling of belonging or the feeling that I make anyone’s life better just by being present.
The flip to that is I also have never felt the need to be validated either.
I don’t sit and sulk or pine over the fact someone doesn’t like me. I have never been the person to chase people, even if I wanted to. I don’t go out of my way to lavish others with my presence, nor do I bother or seek others out for the simple fact that I need to have someone (any warm body would do) with me.
In lamens terms; I am so disciplined, self-assured, and confident that I have no need to use people to make me feel better, or worse, about myself.
My therapist had to practically scream all this at me today when I broke down in tears talking about how I was trying so hard to be more nurturing, or soft and compassionate so that people would see me as more able to be approached. She looked me in the eye and said, “The fact that you are not afraid of anything and can take initiative where others can not is absolutely no reason to dull your shine. I know that’s not what you want to hear, but the truth is that you are rare in that you have survived unspeakable trauma and that has basically morphed into you being that person who has zero fear to do and say what needs to be.” My tears still fell, but the real truth behind what she was helping me realize was the bigger accomplishment.
I have this horrible habit of labeling anything tied to my trauma as negative, or bad. I know I have to be better about this, and I have to really grab a hold of it and not let go, but it will take me time to not immediately go into, “I’m asking the first questions, I don’t care if anyone else hasn’t (this happened at my last Advocacy event LOL),” and not correlate this with the fact that I’m fearless because I was given no other choice.
This is one of the few chinks of armor that I am coming to realize I have no need to shed. I don’t actually want to get rid of the fact that I am able to step up and say something where others may not be able. I don’t want to get rid of the fact that I don’t waste my time on people or things that don’t serve my purpose. I don’t want to give up the ability to look someone in the face and tell them they’re wrong, and not have this fear I will hurt their feelings. Being able to hold my ground and give nothing is one of the few things I’ve learned about myself that I am not ashamed of, but feel it’s what I have to give.
It’s what makes me a rare personality.
This can tie directly into my interactions with significant others as well. Unless someone comes to me and says, “I like your face I think we should have dinner and talk,” I won’t initiate anything. Not because I’m scared, I’ve come to realize, but because I’m not wasting mine or their time chasing someone around who I am not sure even wants to talk to me. Now, once I’ve talked to someone and there is an obvious connection, I will do everything in my power to cultivate and help build a solid foundation for a relationship. As someone who doesn’t need validation from anyone, though, I just am not able to put myself on the chopping block. The basic idea is: if you wanna do this, let’s fucking do this and enjoy ourselves, if not … eh, whatever *shoulder shrug*.
I have to be better to myself about finding positive outlets for this particular personality trait so that I can learn and use this tool in my arsenal for good as opposed to using it to make myself feel inferior or “wrong.” I’ve done this to myself for so goddamn long that I actually felt guilty today having my therapist tell me that I’m just not going to be that person who never fits into a peg perfectly. I will always be comfortable doing what I feel needs to be done, and will never look to anyone else to see if they approve.
Of course, I’m also fully capable of passionately pursuing a career that puts me in the service of others. While I can openly admit that I’m an indomitable personality with strength and confidence, I can also see the wariness of the world around me and use my skills and ability to offer what solace I can to those who are not like me. It’s why I have followed this path in my life, and continue to pursue it with an unbroken spirit. I may be sold to the idea that I will always be different, but that does not mean that I have to use that difference to tear anyone down. I can use this fact about myself to instill strength in others.
Now, I just need to convince myself of this fact more assuredly ❤