Yesterday’s counseling session was a heavy one.
I try to avoid actually talking about my expansive array of emotions, but I got called out yesterday. I understand why she did it, but that doesn’t make it any easier.
You see, with C-PTSD, we are burdened with glorious emotions. The spinning wheel that we could choose from can also be hindered by our anxiety to put our emotions into words.
The catch? We wear such a tightly chinked coat of armor that being able to admit we even have emotions is the first tricky step.
Any step after admittance is trying to dissect the why: “Why am I having this emotion?”, “Why does this emotion feel good/bad/alien to me?”, “Can I trust my emotions in this situation?” It’s a downward spiral that C-PTSD sufferers will more than likely always experience.
“Anything unexpected is dangerous.” – The C-PTSD motto
My feelings as of late in this process of slowly but surely shedding my armor seem to ride a wave of need. When I sat down with my counselor yesterday and we did some talk therapy it all centered around my feelings of need and/or want. I admitted that I need to be able to talk to people, need to be able to be in other people’s energy, and all at the same time am anxiety-ridden because I have to admit it’s not self-contained.
My counselor made sure to point out to me that being both left and right brained in my thought process is working against me when it comes to feelings. Left brain supports me questioning the emotions I’m feeling and the logical path for those emotions to be felt. Right brain enjoys the feeling of feeling but makes sure to tag into the ring and brings along all my debilitating trust issues and terror when it comes to rejection. It’s a maddening course of actions.
All of this manifests in me basically feeling like I’m just not someone anyone would want to be around. I try so hard to not hide my emotions or feelings like I used to, but then I have to wonder if I’m coming on too strong, and then I start to question every word that escapes my mouth. Inwardly I know I’m not really as much of a hot mess as my feelings and insecurities are telling me. I’ve made that much progress.
My counselor sat across from me and looked me in the eye yesterday and said, “You’re making amazing progress, I can tell by how you talk about yourself, but what do you really want right now?” My answer?
I’d like a job that gives me experience in my field and the opportunity to add to my families finances. I’d like to enjoy time with people who genuinely want to enjoy time with me. I’d like to keep making progress and helping to feel more like the internal voice that’s getting louder. I’d like to get to the point I’m working on my health more. I’d like to just be in the moment.
Her response? “Then do that. That’ll be your goal for now.”
So, I guess i have a goal for now 🙂