Today was meant to be my maiden voyage into the open channel of using EMDR to help me with some of my more anxiety-laden issues. Unfortunately, after I gave her my sick note from my Endocrinologist, she decided that right now I’m in no fit state to take on attempting EMDR. Between my health issues that are pressing, and the fact that I’m still attempting to set up my resources and other components of the EMDR process, going forward with the desensitization part of the EMDR would basically be a moot point when I still have so much going on in this dome of mine.

Through talk therapy today we worked out a few kinks that I have been dealing with, and coming to terms with. This attack of so many new emotions all at once is leaving me practically breathless at certain points. I’ve worked so hard for so long building such strong armor that now as I sit and try to work out my feelings about things I get bombarded with emotions from the right side of my brain and thoughts from my left side. It’s a full onslaught of emotions that range anywhere from repressed from when I was younger, to new emotions that I haven’t even really had the chance to process. I’m having a hard time figuring out how I feel, or if I even feel anything. Going from numb to emotionally ambitious is exhausting.

The idea of using categorization to compartmentalize my emotions is one way I’m giving myself to climb out of my own head. If I don’t begin this process of separating my emotions from my thoughts I’m going to be buried underneath it all. The suggestion my therapist had for aiding me is to use visualization to pull apart the two completely different lives I’ve lead.

Until I was twenty-three years old my life revolved around being a caregiver, and distraction. After my mother passed away I was awarded a new title in life: wife and mother. The catch when you’re attempting to break down the walls of a complicated childhood is the idea that you can’t just reconcile these two lives together. They are not similar in any way. So, today we decided that I need to focus on them separately. There’s my “Mom” categorization and my, “Family life,” categorization.

I will never be able to get anything back from the time in my “Mom” categorization. I will never be able to put a positive spin on anything that transpired in that era of my life. I can’t sit down and talk it out with anyone, nor can I ask anyone to help me make sense of it. It happened, it created the person who wants to be better than she currently is, and this is how I have to approach any recollections that emerge from my mind. This is how I have to categorize these experiences.

Present “family life” instances are what I’m looking to work on with this therapy. The parts I can talk through with Charlie, the parts I can say certain things happened or didn’t happen, and the parts that I can say I learned something from it, or at least gained a positive experience.

My therapist suggested that I should research transcendental meditation in my area and find out if it’s available. From this link: I was able to find one here in Lexington and learn more about it. It’s part of the ongoing process she wants me to begin starting the new year. My personal journey to wellness was always going to have multiple stops on it, so I’m glad that I’m being guided by my therapist to help me find the best ways to aid my growth.

Another homework assignment my therapist wants me to begin is journaling. I have so much going on in my head at the moment that I can barely make a coherent sentence. Tearing down the walls I’ve built and allowing myself to see and feel things freely and openly has made me realize I have a lot of information that I process. I was conditioned to take in so much of my environment, and I do it without thought, that my therapist said she could see I was battling. She wants me to use journaling as a way to get all the information out of my brain so I’m more of a clean slate when I see her on January 9th, and we begin the EMDR.

So, needless to say, I have a lot to work through, a lot to get on paper, a lot to consider, a lot to recover from at the moment, and I need to be super good to myself, engage in A LOT of self-care, and just continue to keep my head above water.

Here’s to treading in an open ocean …

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