Today was very exciting, and totally scary, all at once.

My amazing counselor helped me come to some pretty important truths today. For anyone, like me, who suffers from C-PTSD it’s always a movement in the right direction when we can put our feelings into words. Today, that was part of the theme, and I was able to find a statement that really solidified my overall feeling about this armor I wear:

“Anything unexpected is dangerous.” 

– my counselor

I was trying to figure out what my negative core beliefs centered around and while my answers were finances and self-image, in the context of dealing with life, the underlying theme was that I am so conditioned to be in survival mode constantly that anything presenting itself as unexpected would be pushed away by me. It would also be attacked until proven that it wasn’t going to harm me in some way. 

The exciting part of my session today was that my counselor was recently trained in Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, or EMDR, and she wants to begin this therapy on me starting next Tuesday. While I won’t be able to actually use my eyes, due to the fact I suffer from sitting motion sickness (I barf if I watch the Blair Witch Project, for those who don’t know what that means), she’s going to use either snaps, or patting my hands on my legs instead. She even gave me some little coping mechanisms to use on myself between now and then to get me all prepped for using the EMDR. So, that’s totally exciting because I’m fully open to this kind of therapy and the fact she even had an idea of what could possibly help me. 

The one part of our session today that was really an eye-opening experience was when my counselor and I were talking and she stopped me and pointed out that I am clearly left and right brain orientated. I’m ambidextrous, and I’m an INFJ on the Meyers-Briggs scale (which is left and right brain usage.) As we got to talking about how much more complex this would make my ability to overcome anxiety, she confirmed what I’d been feeling most of the year: being left and right brained pushed my feelings and my thoughts into motion simultaneously, thus my infinite struggle with overthinking.

Since I already know I’m battling survival mode kicking in, knowing that I’m also going to war with both sides of my brain wanting to take the lead basically tells me I’m in the right place and I’m doing what I need to do to be better, and become the best version of myself. 

I’m super excited to start EMDR next week and see what it’s all about 🙂 

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