“When you’re standing on the barrier of life and death,

When you’re breathing in your last breath,

When death wins the fight,

When you no longer have any right,

For Any right to live is taken away,

And happiness is replaced by sadness and pain,

That’s when you finally understand,

That you could of been whoever you want to be,

You could of done whatever you wanted to do,

As long as you be you.” – alicexD riznor

Tomorrow I will be going in for my second counseling session, and I’m reflecting on what I’ve been focusing on in my head over the past two weeks. I keep thinking I should be doing more or doing something at all. I know I’m trying to rush it like I usually do, so I’m making the effort to focus on breathing, enjoying the moment, and not pushing so hard to move everything forward at a break-neck speed.
The problem I always come back to is I’m really only certain of one thing: I want to be the best version of myself. What does that mean for each of us, though? Therein lies the issue. Someone reading this would have a whole world of ideas of who’d they like to be that I would never even consider. I want to be what I want, but the first challenge of that is to figure out who that even is, and how I need to change my environment to meet my own expectations.
With that in mind, I decided I need to begin the process of surrounding myself with nothing but positive vibes, even if it means I’m the one providing said positivity. Too often I beat myself down and let my self-esteem issues eat me alive while wondering what I’ve done wrong, or if someone is mad at me, and then I feel as if I can’t accomplish anything. How do you combat that?
You build your own community through friends and support.
I will be required to go outside my insanely safe bubble to achieve the goals I have set for myself for 2019. Knowing that, I know I will also need to put myself in a position where I can’t just let the overwhelming fog of hyper-vigilance encompass everything. Too many times I’ve given in to the crushing feeling of “done” that I get to after pushing, pushing, and again pushing, myself so hard to try and get to the finish line. This time I need to approach all my goals with the knowledge that to be what I want, I’m going to need to outsmart myself in the process.
One of my most important goals for 2019 is to reach a healthy weight. Not as a way to be “thin, or skinny,” but as a way to be a healthy individual. I’m going to turn forty in May, and I’d like to be well on my way to a healthier lifestyle by that point so I’m not going to push myself to a “goal weight,” because let’s face it that’s the lamest thing we can say anymore. My goal is to just be a healthy, or albeit healthier, weight by the end of 2019. An entire year should be a good enough time frame to at least come close to my healthy weight goal. I know it’s lame as hell to use this one, but it’s a real issue as I’ve gotten older now, and I need to finally not allow myself to get so burnt out and to just see it through.
Another goal and the only other goal I’m really claiming at this point is to focus on my courses for my Master’s program and to just try to do the best I can. I worked my ass off for my Bachelor’s, so I’m hoping the same mind frame will result in the same outcome. It’s just another step on my giant set of steps to get to where I’m a Licensed Clinical Counselor working in the field and helping as many people as I can.
Let’s hope tomorrow is at least fun 🙂

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